In today’s climate of economic uncertainty and ongoing organizational restructurings, I’m noticing a striking pattern in my coaching practice. More and more high-achieving professionals -people being recommended or promoted into people leadership roles – are opting out. Some even voluntarily take a step down.
The reason they give?
“I feel too much. I care too deeply. I don’t know how to handle it without burning out.”
They tell me they have too much empathy. And while I fully understand the weight of that feeling, especially as the leadership asks are becoming tougher, it’s also devastating, because these are exactly the kind of emotionally intelligent individuals who could help build healthier, more sustainable workplaces the future of work needs.
The Empathy Dilemma
Empathy is undeniably crucial in leadership. It allows us to connect, relate, and inspire trust. It’s what enables us to truly see the people we lead. But, and here’s the paradox, it’s possible to have too much empathy.
Empathy, at its core, is the capacity to understand and share the feelings of another. Yet, there are important nuances. As Jodi Clarke explains in Verywell Mind, empathy comes in two key forms:
- Cognitive empathy — the ability to understand someone’s perspective.
- Emotional (or affective) empathy — the capacity to feel what another is feeling, often viscerally.
It’s this second form, emotional empathy, that can become overwhelming. While it can inspire compassionate action, it can also lead to emotional distress and exhaustion, especially when a leader begins to take on the pain of their team as their own.
When Empathy Gets in the Way
Empathy doesn’t always lead us to wise decisions. Research by Paul Bloom at Yale University shows that empathy can actually distort judgment. In emotionally charged situations, we may favor individuals we relate to, even if doing so is objectively unfair or unwise.
This is echoed in social psychology research, which suggests we tend to empathize more with those we perceive as part of our “ingroup” and less with those outside of it (Behler, 2021, Society for Personality and Social Psychology). This is known as parochial empathy, and it can result in biased leadership decisions.
In a leadership context, empathy without boundaries can mirror suffering and cloud objectivity. As Rasmus Hougaard and Jacqueline Carter argue in their Harvard Business Review article (2021), leaders risk becoming paralyzed by emotional overload. In Paul Polman’s words, “If I led with empathy, I would never be able to make a single decision.”
Compassion: The Smarter Path
So what’s the alternative? It’s not to ditch empathy. Far from it. It’s to transform empathy into compassion.
Where empathy feels, compassion acts. Compassion involves both understanding someone’s experience and having a grounded, intentional desire to support them, yet without being consumed by their distress. It’s about standing beside someone, but not jumping into the storm with them.
Hougaard and Carter describe this shift as a form of emotional leadership maturity:
Compassion enables you to take a step back to gain perspective, while staying emotionally connected. It allows you to help without absorbing.
This is, in many ways, what we coaches do. One of my favorite coaching questions is:
“What are you effectively responsible for here – and what can you simply, yet compassionately, acknowledge?”
Compassion, unlike empathy, gives leaders the emotional distance to stay grounded, while still showing up with care and presence.
Leading Shouldn’t Come at the Cost of Your Wellbeing
Let me be clear: leadership should not be pursued at any cost – especially not at the cost of your mental or emotional health.
Some workplace environments are simply toxic. No matter how emotionally intelligent, resilient, or committed you are, they may not be worth your time, energy, or sacrifice. Recognizing that, and stepping away, is not weakness. It’s wisdom.
But here’s the other truth:
If we want healthier workplaces, we need healthier leaders.
And that means ensuring that people with empathy and emotional intelligence are not just included but empowered to lead.
That’s one of the reasons I do this work. I coach to help emotionally attuned leaders stay in the game, but with the boundaries, resilience, and tools they need to lead well and sustainably.
What This Means for Empathic Leaders
To my clients who worry that they feel “too much,” I say this:
Your empathy isn’t the problem.
Your lack of boundaries around it might be.
Empathy is a strength. But it must be balanced and regulated. The ability to separate your own feelings from those of others, to discern what you can control from what you cannot, is vital. And the good news? These are skills you can learn and practice.
As Clarke notes, both emotional and cognitive empathy are important, but not enough on their own. A leader must also be able to self-regulate. That’s what enables us to stay connected and clearheaded, especially in the midst of uncertainty, change, or conflict.
Leading Wioth Empthy—But Not Being Led By It
Empathy needs boundaries. But it’s still essential. Especially now.
Look around. Our workplaces, our societies –our entire world– are craving for more human-centered leadership. Leadership that values listening, emotional connection, and inclusion.
If you are someone who feels deeply, please don’t step back from leadership. Step forward. But do it with tools that help you channel your empathy into wise, compassionate action and ensure that you do not burn out in the process.
Sources
https://hbr.org/2021/12/connect-with-empathy-but-lead-with-compassion
https://www.verywellmind.com/cognitive-and-emotional-empathy-4582389
https://spsp.org/news/character-and-context-blog/behler-parochial-empathy
