On a weekly basis, clients come to me to work on how to better respond to the defensiveness of others – or how to feel and act less defensive themselves. These conversations often begin in the context of meetings and feedback sessions but increasingly extend into more informal settings: dinner table debates, hallway chats, or tense moments in digital communication.
In today’s increasingly uncertain and polarized world, understanding what drives defensiveness -and how to de-escalate it- is more important than ever, especially since one defensive reaction often sparks another, creating a cycle of emotional reactivity.
What Triggers Defensiveness?
The short answer: our brains.
The human brain is wired for survival. It doesn’t always distinguish between a real threat and a perceived one. This means that when something challenges our ego, identity, or sense of belonging, our fight-or-flight response can be activated just as if we were in physical danger.
These perceived threats can take many forms – blunt feedback, critical-sounding questions, or communication that feels harsh or dismissive. Or sometimes just an innocent question we just don’t have an answer to. When we’re overstretched, sleep-deprived, anxious about our standing, or operating in an environment that feels psychologically unsafe, we’re more likely to misread neutral cues as personal attacks. Our response might be to defend ourselves, react with anger, or even counter with an accusation. To the other person, it can sound like an attack – but in reality, we’re often more focused on protecting our own vulnerability than on harming them. Yet, we might just be triggering their defenses.
As Dr. Bill Crawford puts it in The Neuroscience of Defensiveness and Conflict Resolution:
“When people are being defensive, they aren’t just defending their position, they are defending their judgement… they are defending themselves!”
— Bill Crawford, Ph.D. (source)
This insight is especially relevant in organizational life. Even in environments designed to foster psychological safety, people can still feel vulnerable, particularly in times of layoffs, restructuring, or external uncertainty.
While we can’t control all these factors, we can choose how we respond – to our own defensiveness and to that of others. Doing so reduces escalation, and helps build trust, resilience, and better collaboration.
Four Strategies to Cool Down Your Own Defensiveness
Drawing on research from the Greater Good Science Center (Van Tongeren, 2022), here are four science-backed ways to manage your own defensive responses:
- Recognize Your Natural Defensiveness
Acknowledge that defensiveness is a normal, instinctive reaction. Simply naming it creates a pause – and space to choose a different response. - Practice Intellectual Humility
Accepting that your beliefs or opinions may be incomplete or mistaken fosters openness and curiosity. It’s a powerful antidote to reactivity. - Engage with Opposing Views
Seek out perspectives that differ from your own. This habit softens rigid thinking and builds empathy. - Argue Against Yourself
Practice challenging your own assumptions. This cultivates critical thinking and reduces the impulse to defend at all costs.
Take a Breath and Create Space
These practices take intention. To respond skillfully, give yourself time before or after an interaction. Engage with curiosity and compassion—toward yourself and the other person.
Strategies to Respond to Defensiveness in Others
- Start with Awareness
Notice what thoughts, emotions, or reactions the other person is triggering in you. This gives you a choice in how you respond. - Stay Calm
Take a breath. Responding with calm helps de-escalate the situation. Remember, somebody’s defensiveness is usually a sign of their fear or stress – not intended a personal attack on you, even if it might feel like one. - Listen Deeply
Show that you’re truly hearing the other person. Make an effort to understand what might be making them feel threatened or under pressure. - Use “I” Statements
According to PsychCentral, one of the most effective ways to communicate with a defensive person is by using “I” statements. This frames your experience without implying blame or judgment, and it can sound like this:
“I felt confused when the report changed” instead of “You didn’t follow the plan.”
- Explain Your Intention
Clarify where you’re coming from. When people understand your intention, they’re less likely to feel attacked.
Defensiveness is part of being human—but with greater awareness and practice, we can meet it with skill rather than reactivity. Whether you’re a leader, a coach, or a team member, this work is not only interpersonal—it’s transformative.
